


Too Gay To Function Diary:By Reiner Broad

by Colored_eyes_101



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gay, Highschool AU, M/M, daily diary shenanagiins how is that spelt, for him at least, gotta have those present time gays amirite, reiner being a dumb gay, totally right, which is a good pairing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-08-03
Packaged: 2018-02-10 18:30:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2035551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colored_eyes_101/pseuds/Colored_eyes_101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yup.<br/>Hello.<br/>I am the gay.<br/>Wow I think I'm funny.<br/>Welp, this is me, writing about highschool, football, daily schedules, my life revolving crush on my childhood friend. <br/>You know, the usual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wat. What is this box for? Since when does Microsoft word have weird ass boxes.

I'm gay.  
  
Now that we have that covered you can either leave with your homophobia and shove it up your ass, or you can read on as I write about just how gay I am. Ha ha I'm kidding. Kind of.  
  
My name is Reiner Braun. I'm 17 and a sophomore at Saint Rose high school. I'm football captain (obviously) and on the honor roll. That's pretty much all there is to know about me. Except the one little detail i'd prefer to leave out. The one about my best friend Bertholdt Fubar. And how much I love him. That's literally the whole point I'm writing this. To rant about him and life and try to get over him as best I can. I guess I should give you a mental picture. So that's what I'll do.  
  
Bertholdt is the most awkward guy you will ever meet. He's tall, thin, with the cutest soft grey-green eyes, and shaggy, totally ruffable, fluffy black hair. He doesn't talk much, except to me. Because we've been friends since forever and he can, and does, tell me everything. I can never tell him many things though. Because half of my life revolves around him. He's my life. God I love him so much. And yes I know how stupid I sound being all 'OMGGGGG HE'S ME LIFE I SWEAR ON ME MUM' but I play football so shut up.  
  
And there you have it. My super gayness is pin pointed on my best friend since forever. Other guys are great, but Bertl, he's...hold on while I fantasize fucking my best friend...yep my eyes are only for Bertl.  
Bertl.  
  
Bertl.  
  
Bertl...butt.  
  
Fuck. Bertl is in my room. He just walked in and is trying to talk to me. Oh shit. He's coming up to me. Fuck. Go away. Stop. Go.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Phew. Okay so I pressed enter a lot on my writing thingie so he wouldn't be able to see what was written all up there^ but now he thinks I'm just ignoring him. He's gonna leave. No Bertl baby come back-  
  
Okay he's reading some stuff I threw at him. He's so cute. I can just throw shit at him and he will accept it. I could throw underwear at him and he will put it on over whatever it is he's wearing. It's awesome. I don't even know what I threw at him...  
  
Fuck again.  
  
Okay so Bertl is crying now because I threw porn at him. He's crying because he was laughing at the fact that I threw gay porn at him. I don't even know where I got that shit. But its okay, I mean Bertl knows I'm gay. He's the first person I told. Of course I would tell him, no question about that. I left out the bit where I'm gay for him but whatever.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Go away butthurt let me type.  
  
Okay he was getting nosey again. So I guess, I should hang out with him so, I'll be going now. But yeah, I guess this is the first page of my  
  
"Too gay to function diary"  
  
Whoa. That's the best name ever. That's gonna be my new title wow I'm so awesome.  
  
//totally didn't get that from Mean Boys nope not at all  
  
But anyways,...  
  
Yeah.  
  
Bye.


	2. Too gay to function official log

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh...stuff. Yup. Yep yap yup. Why is this box even here what does it mean?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, reiner and bertholdt are neighbors. A detail best not left out haha. They have balconies right across from eachother like in that one movie where that guy sees that girl changing in her room? Except reiner and bertholdts balconies are smack damn right next to eachother if not a foot difference. Yeah.

Day: 1

Welp.

As usual I managed to get captain on the football team this season. I think it's the muscles. And the family oriented personality. Whatever it is, I fucking owned the field and everyone sucked my dick afterwards in the locker rooms. Haha I'm joking. Reality wise that is. Totally not putting out the fantasy theory behind that though.

Yeah... Well anyways. Ate lunch. Pretty boring. Me a Bertl-in-a-gertle don't have the same lunch schedule so we don't see each other much. He's not even in any clubs. He's got the stamina for it if not the speed but damn those legs could get him anywhere. Slowly.

Hah.

I mean he can actually run really fast. It just takes a bit to get him motivated. A big bit. Like a Godzilla's dick big bit. I need to see that movie btw. God Reiner stop using text talk this needs to be legible. Wow I'm seriously typing to myself. I thought this would be interesting but damn I'm just a boring piece of gay aren't I. See, this is why I wish I went to some crazy ass school, like you see in the sleazy teen dramas, where there's nonstop drinking, drugging, sex, and make outs. Because make outs top sex on the teen drama scale apparently.

Gay.

Yeah I have no clue what else to talk about unless you'd like to have a full on report with graph charts in the paradoxically intimidating difference between Mr. Smith's bear brows and Mr. Rivaille's thin jim lines above te eyes. I'm screwing, I don't have the mojo for shit like that. I'm a fake. There. I said it. I'm not gay I'm totally straight and love me some boobs and va-penis.

Well I tried.

I'm gonna call Bertl now. Get his ass over here. Kiss him senseless. One of those will be a failed attempt, guess which one.

The phone is ringing. I'm praying there will be a musical hold like the businesses have so I can listen to some owl city. Bertl would totally have an owl city musical hold thing. I don't even know if he likes owl city in fact I'm pretty damn sure he once told me he hated it.

Or did he? Huh.

Oh he answered.

He sounds sleepy, what a little fucker.

Oh shit abort abort he is a grumpy waker upper oh shit.

I told him I loved him and he laughed.

Wow Bertl glad you see my affections as a joke.

I'm kidding.

He's sleepy and this is my relief.

I told him to come over and he hung up.

Yeah he's totally coming over.

Well then.

Whoa he's seriously parkouring our balconies hot damn.

Yup gotta go bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know where to find me. Let me know just how bad my writing is in the comments these kind of things help kind of. I'm basically just begging for you to tell me your thoughts feel free to do so~


	3. Too gay to function official log

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm just...not gonna bother with this weird box anymore.

Day: who seriously gives a fuck  
  
If you thought this would be something fancy and proper and goddamn dramatic-al murder then you are fucking mistaken because I'm the boringest piece of gay you will ever meet. Here is a list of the shit I did today MOM.  
  
Woke up.  
Peed.  
Masturbated.  
Peed.  
Changed into clothes.  
Ate food.  
Drank drink.  
Brushed teeth.  
Peed.  
Walked to school.  
With Bertl...butt.  
Went to home room.  
Yada yada schooley things happen.  
Time skip.  
Lunch time:  
Ate food.  
Peed.  
Drank drink.  
Peed...out of my nose. Because Connie is fucking hilarious.  
Did more schooley things.  
Went home.  
With Bertl...ass.  
Unchanged.  
Peed.  
Ate Cheetos.  
Got yelled at for not wearing clothes...by Bertl.  
Cried because Bertl went home.  
Masturbated.  
  
And now we're up to date on my amazing day. Yay.  
  
Yeah, so I wasn't expecting Bertl to show up when I was about to ravish my lewd body in spicy hot Cheetos but then he came strutting right through my front door like the fine ass peacock that he is and yelped at my naked person, told me that I have a mother and shouldn't do that when she's home, rip a bag of Cheetos from my poor delicate hands, rip open the bag of Cheetos recently ripped from my poor delicate hands, and stuff the Cheetos in his mouth, realize quite hilariously that they are spicy hot Cheetos, and then run out the door he had so brittishly and dapperly, just walked through.  
  
And yes I cried.  
From laughing so fucking hard.  
And then did the deed that must be done, because damn he looked hot when he yelled at me. Damn. Dayum. Ho oh I'm hard again hah. I should...yeah. Brb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. More chapters to come. :)


	4. Too gay to function official log

 Day: pish posh apple saush

Okay so if I die and the fucking asshats I call my friends make it out to themselves to believe they have a right to go through my shit, find this, and read it, I just want to make it completely clear that I don't 'dig' krista.

She is simply my girl crush and if you fuckers (Jk I love you bitches) think I'm straight for a second and imply it and try to set me up with chicks I will simply super-befriend them and then with all my ultimate girl power, proceed to take over the world. Krista is my best hand beauty and obviously doesn't swing in that glorious direction so stop it you turds.

But yeah my friends kept teasing (more like poking and huh huh huhing and raising their eyebrows past the limits of possibility within the human anatomy's possible positions and where was I going with this) about how I have the hots for krista, and while I do admit I'd marry that, Bertl is always gonna be my top number 1 bottom.

I was gonna say top number 1 something else but I just felt I should make it evident that I would totally top that. And tap that. And kiss that. And love the fuck out of that. I'm such a lovestruck preteen pussy somebody knock me senseless and maybe I'll regain some sense.

Oh wow Bertl is actually calling me for once since the Cheetos thing. It's been what, a day? Wow. It feels like we haven't talked in ages. I forgot how much I missed him. Oh shit I didn't answer fast enough I gotta call him back hold on.

Here I am waiting for the musical hold thing again. Only to be discouraged by the phone being answered sound. And then being happily turned on by that voice.

That is not bertl's voice.

Actually now it is.

Now it's not.

I've been butt dialed.

And now I've been butt answered.

And the fact that bertl's butt has no feelers considering he himself the person didn't answer the phone but his butt did, really concerns me.

Who's voice is that.

...

Sounds like a nerd.

I hear a nerd someone get the mating call hotline so I can send them this nerd voice.

Wait, I know this nerd voice.

It's a cutie nerd's voice...

IT'S MY NERD CRUSH.

Armin! omg wait why is armin at bertl's house.

They aren't a thing now right...

Nah I'm pretty sure Armin's all over uh...well lets see I hear him and eren are uber bromantics but then him and jean might as well be canon but nooo marco gets that ass and then him and annie is straight as a stick and totally works but nah armin isn't straight enough to be a stick and wow I'm speaking highschool. Finally.

Wait though what are they even talking about I kinda tuned them out.

Ugh I can't understand this foreign language from the planet nerd. I think they're talking math? Ew.

Ugh just talk about me already.

Wow um okay fine, talk about Jaeger then you ignorant asscuties.

Oh oh oh they talking about me now.

What about that reiner though he's hot right? He says.

Yeah totally. I'd bottom that. The favorite he says.

Wait they're not saying that. THE REINER SUCKS AT THE MATHS!? Excuse you armin but you're a little fucknut, gosh darn bro you turned out to be. And now they are talking about the ocean what the actual fuck. Make up your goddamn minds. Gosh these nerds make me horniiii-imeansick.

Well I have some things to do places to go yeah good bye.

(This means jerkin it in the bathroom haha I'm so fun fun funny)


	5. Too gay to function official log

Day: why is this even still here

So. Uhhum. Heh.

LETS LOOK AT MY SCHEDULE.

Wake up.

Bertl is in room.

Go back to sleep.

Wake up.

Bertl is in room.

Go back to sleep.

Wake up.

Why

So I have no fucking clue as to why Bertl was in my room, but he said that it was his room and that I came over last night and slept in his room after apologizing for the Cheetos thing, and kinda the naked thing though that was a fucking lie totally not sorry for flashing him my goods, gotta do that there advertisement like the old kiddos do.

Apparently I didn't go home but instead spent the night by accident and Bertl said it was Saturday, luckily for me, and was willing to let me sleep in as he did his usual routine, MEANING I MISSED THE LOVELY CHANGING OF HIS CLOTHES GOD DAMN IT. But yeah.

That happened.

Don't really remember it myself but if he says it happened i'll trust him. Because I'm gay.

Anyways I got kicked out five minutes later because Armin was coming over and I guess they have history together? (God that sounded funny haha) And they're doing some studying shit. God damn you failure of a bro I'm so jealous you get to study date and I get thrown out a window.

More like shoved over a balcony and on to another balcony.

In just some boxers.

While lovingly clinging to my favorite blanket aka bertl's sheets which he ripped from my masculine grip on my way over the balcony.

Bertl is mean to me.

He is abusive.

I must get out of this relationship.

Get a new name.

Move to... Japan.

My new name is Toronto like that one fat furry anime character.

Because Japanese people have japanese names.

I will get a new face. After ripping off the face of an enemy.

Like...

...

...

My mom's.

And then I will break all contact with Bertl turtle. And live my life a new manwomanthing.

Because my moms face and my body will confuse people like hell.

Damn I can't do it.

I've gotta call Bertl.

No. Wait.

I'll climb over the balcony and embarrass him because I love him and its my job. Of course he doesn't know I love him but its not like he really needs too.

Yet.

WELL ANYWAYS.

Nah I love him sure but I don't feel like getting up from my comfy desk chair.

Comfy comfy. Swirly twirly spinning chair.

weeeeeeeeeeeeee.

That was meant to be caps lock whoops.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

That's better.

Wow I was like high on dizzy.

It's been an hour since then and by watching some gay porn I have managed to recover from my dizzy high spell. I didn't watch gay porn I watched adventure time. But it might as well be gay porn. Because gay porn works just like adventure time does. It makes more sense if your gay.

You fucking posers.

I found a new man crush though.

It's marshall lee.

I can finally leave Bertl and go to Japan like I've always wanted. My childhood dream fulfilled. I'm so happy.

I must rip off my mothers face now and wear it like a champ.

Nah. I like my chair too fucking much it is plush on my butt. Squish squish. It's not squishy but what the fuck ever. I want to watch some other cartoon... Omg this animated straight porn looks like a good watch.

Wow I really enjoyed watching the first episode of monster high hot damn that was jerk offable. I'm kidding that fucking sucked. I'm kidding again because wow freakie stein has an awesome dress. And clawspleen is hot. Wow. Kids are so lucky these days all I got was Legos and bob the fucking schizophrenic builder. Oh! And Arthur. I liked Arthur. DW had some pretty cool episodes. AND KATE. God that baby was adorable. OMG BERTL IS A CALLING I MUST GOOOOO back to America and reveal that it is the Reiner and not the body builder Reiner mom.


	6. Too gay to function official log

Day: 666

So, Bertl came over today, and we hung out. You know, did friendy shit and watched some cartoons on my computer. Pretty much what I do by myself everyday except without the masturbating and frivolous urge to pee every goddamned hour.

The friendy shit we did was play some scrabble. Bertl went first with the word TIME and then I said lets do something else. So we watched cartoons. I showed him monster high and he was really confused. But whatever I like my cartoons, be them for girls or for boys, why should I give a fuck?

Bertl is still here too. He's on the floor. Weirdly. He's got his chin on the floor and his ass in the air and he's looking at a magazine. He's weird.

I'm kind of...stuck.

If that's the way to put it. I really like Bertl, but I don't want to be those creepy friends. And I don't want him to hate me because YO IM GAY FOR YOU. I mean that's just weird, right? I love the guy but I don't want to lose him? A lot of people are like LET THEM KNOW HOW YOU FEEL FRIEND!!! But like, no you dumbasses it doesn't work that way. Ugh. Agh. Umph. I don't even know.

Maybe I should tell him.

Nah.

Yes?

Nope.

I'm gonna do it.

I said 'I love you man' And he said 'ha I know'

He doesn't understand.

What do I do.

I said 'I'm gay' And he said 'you told me' Bertl why.

Why must you make this so hard.

Fuck. I told him 'I like dicks' And he said 'okay then, reiner'

WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!!? I'm gonna go and sit on him now excuse me for a moment.

I sat on him. More like his butt which is boney as fuck. And mine is flat so I guess I'm still gonna be on the hunt for the booty. I still have no idea how he didn't feel me calling his phone, considering his butt answered. I'm beginning to wonder if his butt has its own mind. Maybe it's going through a rebellious stage. And has a dragon tattoo. And Bertl didn't know his butt got tattooed. OMG I must look at that booty soon. I must know.

I'm bored. Bertl is here but I'm bored. I told him I'm bored. He said we should go hang out with school people. Ew. He said we should hang out with Connie and Annie. Annie is mean no way. She's great but damn her girl power to strong for me to use. Connie sounds good though.

I'm calling Connie now.

It's ringing.

It's ringing.

It's- Oh.

Well Connie's out on a date with the foodinator so that worked out horribly.

Forever alone.

Wait bertl's here wow haha. He said we could watch more cartoons. YES. We're watching the amazing Spider-Man. From Disney XD? Yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually forgot Bertl was still there towards the end haha. So Bertl was forgotten by both Reiner and me. Luckily Reiner remembered. :D


	7. Too gay to function official log

Day: Mustard. Is. Amazing.

So,...

I hung out with Eren today.

We went to the mall like the little mall rats that we are and got some smoothies like the gays that we are and then went into the hallmark store. Yeah. We made fun of the greeting cards and they had this new toy? It was this hen that laid rainbow eggs and shit and it was so disturbing. So we left the hallmark store in a hurry. We chilled at Barnes and Noble, then went to a calendar store. I bought a lovely teenage mutant ninja turtles calendar, even though I don't even watch that cartoon very often. But dildo what's his name is awesome. Oh wait I remember now his name is Donatello. 

Don't judge me.

And now I'm home.

Bored.

Wait did I masturbate today?

Yeah I did.

Phew I was getting worried there for a minute.

Hmm.

I gotta pee brb.

I'm back. And I brought carrots. Baby carrots.

And a knife.

I'm going to carve the carrots into little dicks.

0u0 < dat be my face.

I'm naked again also. Sweet sweet no clothes on. The feeling is almost magical. I'm getting carrot shavings all over my desk. And that there kiddos was the strangest sentence I've ever typed and I'm Reiner for crying out loud. I always say stupid shit but damn. I surprise myself.

Bertl isn't home today.

He's out with Annie...

I think he likes her.

Actually, I know he likes her.

At least I think he do.

He likes to hang around her and talks about her and stuff. All while being red enough to explode into tomatoes. I'm glad to know he has a crush. It's cute.

Aw man, I messed up my dick carrot. Now it's a decapitated dick carrot. Cause, I carved the head off. The head is the top of the dick btw children. Learn some goddamn anatomy. Welp, lets start on a new one...

I'm like the only guy single, of our group of friends. Eren is planning on asking out some twerp/lovely lady, though I'm not sure which one. Connie and Sasha are a thing. Jean is slowly coming to the realization that he is, in fact, gay as fuck. And Marco has already placed dibs. So, that leaves Christa, but Yqueer placed dibs on that so yeah.

The freckleses like making gay claims.

So here I am, with a fatass crush on my bff who has a fatass crush on a girl who scares me. It's the circle of life. Put me on the discovery channel already. I'm ready to become a one hit wonder. Wow this dick carrot looks awesome I'm a master at carving dicks out of carrots. Now they have to put me on the discovery channel.

Damn. I'm hungry.

I ate my dick carrot.

I forgot I had a bag of baby carrots right next to me, and instead ate my masterpiece. I'm so done with myself.

I have to pee again.

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this first chapter around one to two months ago, while my mom was getting her haircut. I didn't know if I wanted to go anywhere with, then tonight while going through some old published fanfics, and realizing I'm damn proud of my writing, I decided why not. Daily updates HOPEFULLY. The tumblr is freckledfluff.tumblr.com  
> Just copyand paste that shit and talk to me because I'd love to hear how weird I am.  
> Also chapters are hella short. For reasons future explained.


End file.
